purpose

Pupose and meaning are not one in the same. Purpose is inherent, it is unchanging, and it is unstopable. Meaning is a definative answer to purpose. Meaning is given, meaning is taken away, and meaning is, all importantly, changed. Meaning can be claimed to causality and reason. Meaning gives a measurable and short term purpose. However, the two are not one in the same. Purpose is to life what we do not know, and meaning is to life whay we desire and understand to be our existence.

The meaning of this blog was in effect to be a permanent journal or diary. Nothing like the drivel that blogs leak from desparate college students to dumb to have anything to say but still want a book deal. I occasionaly come back and look at all the things I have said and it startles me how clear and meaningfull it all is. I placed this online for the purpose of sharing the knowledge that I forget so easily, either out of pithy reluctance to accept or the fact that I cannot accept what I am doing with my life.  Two years ago the world was a clear picture of what I was and what I was to become, and now I see nothing but blurred resemblence to what I dreamed to be. There is nothing I hate more than what I am not. Don't get me wrong, there isn't a lot, just why waste time settling for anything. The second reason I kept this online was because that would make it secure, not from theft or deletion obviously, but from keeping me from believing what I say. And I also wouldn't have my mother finding a journal I have and absent mindedly throwing it away. Of course if she published it as a novel after I died I would come back and haunt her, so really it's for her benefit.

Conundrum

It's amazing what a picture is. A drawing from nature. I'm a little sick so I told some of grandpa's cough medicine to make the hurt seem a breeze. A picture is the same as the art we so casually glance at from whatever mural or painting or cliche artsy commercial we see. What is amazing about a picture is it is both a painting yet an anomaly. An artist can capture feeling in a picture but there are images within the picture that the artist can overlook, can be unaware of; because the image is a heartless scientific process that will occur every single time without hitch in the proper conditions. Because we have the least human interaction the most perfect image is formed, the man needs but to acquire the proper conditions of lighting and direction. And in that perfection one sees the truest image of the heart as man can see. Ultimately, it is an organization of the most close to perfect colors in the most perfect order to frame in reality, the same caricature of an oil pastel. Even the most perfect of pictures leaves an emptiness. Even the most perfect of pictures is not perfect. However the art is becomes is among the most perfect of art. It drives the expression of all the powerful emotions, good and bad. Fueling the most cruel of man's burdens, precitive knowlegde; what could have been. Feelings of the most perfect time.
It's almost like a dark ages. I have the capacity to do anything but I am cowardly and overly countering. This isn't the time for introspective reflection, Ifeel. I was content once in life. A liberating feeling of unlimited wealth. Complete satisfaction with achieving death at any moment. There is however a grave difference in pleading for death. I never have invited nor persuaded death to me. Nothing to be proud of or ashamed of I suppose. Perhaps I am missing out on a profound enlightening experience, or perhaps I have leapt over that stream of thought.

कारमेल अप्प्ले पोप्स

Caramel candy pops are the greatest Halloween candy in the world. I once bought a package of three at work and ate them all in a row. I offered them to other people but it seems that their interests lay in their "personal health" and "overall gastronomic comfort." Needless to say I did not poop for about a week and then it was green. That's the whole story.

Caramel pops are really a cop out of halloween candy. Of all the candies that are already covered in caramel you bring to the market fruit. I could have chocolate dipped caramel fudge nuggets for 69 cents that will explode in an orgasm of flavor in your mouth, or unwashed apples dunked in sugar and molasses at the price of fruit. Could they pick a worse element to dunk it in? What's too chewy to eat, too rubbery to lick, and too gay to put on anything except the shitty candy bowl and you grandma's house: Caramel. What are you going to do, put it in your lunchbox so it has time to melt all over your other food by noon? Way to ruin fruit now that I think about it. Like you're somehow eating healthier because you found and edible ladle to consume your sticky sugar lust.
Fuck it Candy apples suck.

So I'm excited for the new Iron Man sequel, as no one who has seen the first movie would be surprised. But I am really intrigued by another film Robert Downey Jr. is staring in and that the Sherlock Holmes movie. If you're curious as to why I love him so much this should answer your question. They kept that scene in the theatrical release. He is a character above all else, the man is not a quick thinker but that's because he thinks too much. A lot of his movies involve him talking aloud to himself or analyzing a situation too long for the sorry-ass decision he ends on. Like the ending clip of the Sherlock trailer where he obtains a large hammer and a fiercesome looking goon obtains a tree sized hammer, they pause for a six seconds, and he throws the tiny hammer at the goon. Fucking hilarious don't get me wrong. I think he's actually turing Sherlock Holmes into a superhero, it's like HIS power or something. Iron Man was basically Marvel's answer to Batman except they made him less broody and more porkin-focused. An upgrade. I implore anyone to see Sherlock Holmes. I suspect this Iron Man will be lame though. If anything, superhero sequels are mathmatically designed to fail and only there to provide a trilogy. Above all it's the fact that the best supervillian is used for the first film, otherwise why save it for a sequel that would never get funded. And the multiple villians thing is also true for some reason.

On a happier note I realized yesterday that I have been eating moldy bread for lunch. I smelled a pungent scent of hard liquer and suspected that it was my roomate. But as I opened the bread bag it hit me like cement and I inspected the entire...loaf... covered in mold. I must have a terrifying immune system and if that is such the case, I believe I deserve my own superhero: average man. Sub-to-moderate Medeocrity by day, even less so by night.

phew

So I finally got past masturbating to my last post to think of something. I've always thought of becoming a businessman, that's why I entered college as a business major. However my passion has always been to do something greater than society. To do something profound and meaningful with my life. That's one of the reasons I wanted to join the army so much. I wanted to do the most difficult thing in my life. I wanted to wake up and make decisions that would lead to life or death. I wanted to be a greater, stronger, faster, smarter person. I wanted to experience what life is really like, outside of this squishy wall of defenders that make up our military. If I lived three hundred years ago I would have more like what I wanted, but what I wanted was even earlier than that. So old that it's primitive. I wanted to live and fight for my life like I would have if I was all alone like the universe always intended. Well, after I decieded that I thought how adventerous it would be. You hear these military stories of people that are soldiers of God  Link to what I mean I mean surviving in these condiditions would be difficult, HE CLIMED THE WHOLE FUCKING MOUNTAIN AT NINETEEN.

Just writing about it makes me sad. My family on my mother's side has a history of military service. Her father was even in the merchant navy. My mother is actually also a sikh, which makes sense because the historic homeland is in her home state of Punjab. They are responsible for defending against Muslim invaders for ages, specifically around 1500 when the Moghul Empire dominated India. My mother tells me that during that time Muslim soldiers would invade Sikh houses at midnight and kidnapp their women to strike fear in them. She also says that is why Sikhs now where turbans, because they wanted to retaliate by blending in with thier enemies.

I even went so far as to call a recuirter to my house. He visited and we actually had a good talk, he was surprised when I asked him why he joined and that's what we spent most of our time talking about. In the end I wasn't allowed to sign any agreement without the signature of a parent so I decieded I would wait because I hadn't actually told my parents that I was going to join the army. My thoughts were "Fuck Them" and "Who Gives A Flying Fuck", repectively, besides they wouldn't sign it I know.

I actually didn't put much thought into what division I was going to join. Now I know that you can transfer so maybe it's not such a big deal, but I always thought if I was going to fight why not stick to the oldest organization. Besides I fucking hate boats and hate the ocean even more, my friend Dennis once told me that a boat is just a floating prison. The ocean sucks because it's basically a cold dark room that never ends but something an unholy number of times bigger than you can sneak up behind you no matter where you turn. I guess there's also butt-sex but that's probably a myth, like Bigfoot or a not-gay naval officer.

I forgot what the point was. Oh yeah you're probably wondering why I'm not in it. Well plain and simple I can't do it. It's not a decision worth making. Tim Moore told me he used to play COD all the time when he wasn't fixing up humvees, and if it's good enough for him it's good enough for me. You know it's funny that the best guy I've met here at college is actually a marine-in-training going to Afghanistan in June. It seems like they're the only people worth being around. On the bright side I do have an authentic Army jacket I get to wear around campus.

My hope now is to be a scientist. I have somewhat embraced this idea of being a physicist, although I'm still rather on the fence. I couldn't be a doctor. They're too much like walking textbooks, and no-one respects them anymore because of that. When was the last time a doctor made a medical discovery or improvement. Chemists and nano-technologists are the ones responsible for your swine flu vaccine and your robotic/somewhat-prosthetic leg. I actually used to tell people I wanted to be a nano-technologists when I was in high-school. Perhaps I can still make a life-long change by studying nature. 

I actually embraced my heritage with my career decision. There are a lot of interpretations of Hinduism in the world, sikhism is one, Islam, Jainism, Buddhism, and then even in Hinduism itself there are radical practicioners and half-hearted religion mixing practicioners. Even many elements of Christianity and Juddaism are similar. My interest, obviously, is in the extreme of Hinduism, honestly I think anything other than the extreme is not what it claims. How can you be somewhat of a religious person? Are you also somewhat of a good person? Good driver? Good at sex? Is everything you do in life so meaningless and worthless? Do you waste your time making decisions that you do not care about? Not thoroughly thinking through your actions? Why bother doing something if you don't mean it and you don't care what happens? Are you really answering these questions? You could be a douchebag , please don't contact me in any way for anything.

When I say extremist I mean the monks. The people who dedicate their lives to basically thier lives. There is no middle ground, there is right and wrong and the decisions that make them go hand in hand. The purpose of monks in the east is different than the west. European culture spawned this belief that man was inherently evil, so that monks are those that call for repentance for that unholy burden which is their lives. Easterners are completely the opposite. Sikhs believe God desired us to be in his image and therefore made us perfect the way we are, the principle that keeps us from cutting our hair and used to be tied in a knot before converting to the turban. In fact turban is an umbrella term and Islamic and Sikh turban do differ.

What I decieded at least, was that Hinduism's goal was to attain knowlegde, which is very true. The ultimate purpose of meditation is to achieve enlightenment, which I understand to be oneness and the truth. Meaning, as a scientist, or physicist specifically, I will be trying to understand the rules of reality. This is the next best step to fullfilling my Hindu heritage, even if I cannot fulfill my Sikh heritage.

phew, on a bright note

education pt2

It's interesting, actually, that my method of learning has not faltered from that which I learned in high school. Many classes require understanding of material through self-interpretation, or plainly by doing homework. As lame as it is, I think I understand what it's meant to do. Ideally, that is the only way in which you can learn because it forces the objective searching of connections. In my calculus class for example, the only way I understood the algebra of the Quotient theorem was by looking at problems and examples and comparing the two in their processes'.

My point is school is really just a tool for personal gain. It is not meant to make you smarter, more knowledgeable, or more versed. All formal education is designed to do is to provide the opportunity to become a great person. That said, how many people have you met that you've admired? Now did learning of that person's education give you pause? If you hear that someone has a GED and falter on their morals/discipline that probably has more to do with your self-standards. If you dismiss the person, then you're insecurities in high school are being reflected on that person. The possibility is that your hard work went under-achieved or you never achieved your desired goals so that now anything less than what you have is preposterous.

I always have a disturbance when education comes up. I was reading a reference book on private practice when they discussed ethics in a psychology practice. One principle they argued had double implications was the Western methodology of achievement, which is goal-oriented; the ends justify the means. This leaves the purpose of doing something as the something, leaving behind everything else. What this does is isolate a goal and make it irrelevant to other goals. What happens is that people do things without finding an understanding or common ground. If you can't find and duplicate relationships then you won't ever learn anything.

You know what's weird? How the less you have sex, the more you love it? I mean, it's not like, literally building up.weird

*Sigh*

Lesbian's are awesome