phew

So I finally got past masturbating to my last post to think of something. I've always thought of becoming a businessman, that's why I entered college as a business major. However my passion has always been to do something greater than society. To do something profound and meaningful with my life. That's one of the reasons I wanted to join the army so much. I wanted to do the most difficult thing in my life. I wanted to wake up and make decisions that would lead to life or death. I wanted to be a greater, stronger, faster, smarter person. I wanted to experience what life is really like, outside of this squishy wall of defenders that make up our military. If I lived three hundred years ago I would have more like what I wanted, but what I wanted was even earlier than that. So old that it's primitive. I wanted to live and fight for my life like I would have if I was all alone like the universe always intended. Well, after I decieded that I thought how adventerous it would be. You hear these military stories of people that are soldiers of God  Link to what I mean I mean surviving in these condiditions would be difficult, HE CLIMED THE WHOLE FUCKING MOUNTAIN AT NINETEEN.

Just writing about it makes me sad. My family on my mother's side has a history of military service. Her father was even in the merchant navy. My mother is actually also a sikh, which makes sense because the historic homeland is in her home state of Punjab. They are responsible for defending against Muslim invaders for ages, specifically around 1500 when the Moghul Empire dominated India. My mother tells me that during that time Muslim soldiers would invade Sikh houses at midnight and kidnapp their women to strike fear in them. She also says that is why Sikhs now where turbans, because they wanted to retaliate by blending in with thier enemies.

I even went so far as to call a recuirter to my house. He visited and we actually had a good talk, he was surprised when I asked him why he joined and that's what we spent most of our time talking about. In the end I wasn't allowed to sign any agreement without the signature of a parent so I decieded I would wait because I hadn't actually told my parents that I was going to join the army. My thoughts were "Fuck Them" and "Who Gives A Flying Fuck", repectively, besides they wouldn't sign it I know.

I actually didn't put much thought into what division I was going to join. Now I know that you can transfer so maybe it's not such a big deal, but I always thought if I was going to fight why not stick to the oldest organization. Besides I fucking hate boats and hate the ocean even more, my friend Dennis once told me that a boat is just a floating prison. The ocean sucks because it's basically a cold dark room that never ends but something an unholy number of times bigger than you can sneak up behind you no matter where you turn. I guess there's also butt-sex but that's probably a myth, like Bigfoot or a not-gay naval officer.

I forgot what the point was. Oh yeah you're probably wondering why I'm not in it. Well plain and simple I can't do it. It's not a decision worth making. Tim Moore told me he used to play COD all the time when he wasn't fixing up humvees, and if it's good enough for him it's good enough for me. You know it's funny that the best guy I've met here at college is actually a marine-in-training going to Afghanistan in June. It seems like they're the only people worth being around. On the bright side I do have an authentic Army jacket I get to wear around campus.

My hope now is to be a scientist. I have somewhat embraced this idea of being a physicist, although I'm still rather on the fence. I couldn't be a doctor. They're too much like walking textbooks, and no-one respects them anymore because of that. When was the last time a doctor made a medical discovery or improvement. Chemists and nano-technologists are the ones responsible for your swine flu vaccine and your robotic/somewhat-prosthetic leg. I actually used to tell people I wanted to be a nano-technologists when I was in high-school. Perhaps I can still make a life-long change by studying nature. 

I actually embraced my heritage with my career decision. There are a lot of interpretations of Hinduism in the world, sikhism is one, Islam, Jainism, Buddhism, and then even in Hinduism itself there are radical practicioners and half-hearted religion mixing practicioners. Even many elements of Christianity and Juddaism are similar. My interest, obviously, is in the extreme of Hinduism, honestly I think anything other than the extreme is not what it claims. How can you be somewhat of a religious person? Are you also somewhat of a good person? Good driver? Good at sex? Is everything you do in life so meaningless and worthless? Do you waste your time making decisions that you do not care about? Not thoroughly thinking through your actions? Why bother doing something if you don't mean it and you don't care what happens? Are you really answering these questions? You could be a douchebag , please don't contact me in any way for anything.

When I say extremist I mean the monks. The people who dedicate their lives to basically thier lives. There is no middle ground, there is right and wrong and the decisions that make them go hand in hand. The purpose of monks in the east is different than the west. European culture spawned this belief that man was inherently evil, so that monks are those that call for repentance for that unholy burden which is their lives. Easterners are completely the opposite. Sikhs believe God desired us to be in his image and therefore made us perfect the way we are, the principle that keeps us from cutting our hair and used to be tied in a knot before converting to the turban. In fact turban is an umbrella term and Islamic and Sikh turban do differ.

What I decieded at least, was that Hinduism's goal was to attain knowlegde, which is very true. The ultimate purpose of meditation is to achieve enlightenment, which I understand to be oneness and the truth. Meaning, as a scientist, or physicist specifically, I will be trying to understand the rules of reality. This is the next best step to fullfilling my Hindu heritage, even if I cannot fulfill my Sikh heritage.

phew, on a bright note